On Searching Dreams

Just a while ago while on my way to take bloods and put an cannula on a patient, my attention was called up by an elderly patient walking in the corridor, whom I looked after two nights ago while he was in the neurosurgery high dependency unit. 

He grabbed my attention. He told me, "I always think that you should train to become a doctor". I saw sincerity on his eyes. I was speechless for few seconds. I replied, "Thank you." Did he know that's what I want all my life? 

My heart melted and it made me think more about my dream again. I am living with it. I am actually waiting patiently for the right time. He is not the first one who tell and often ask me that but his sincerity so warmed my heart. Why would a person stop you randomly on a busy paced day just to tell you that?

Saying a little more, he quipped, "You know what, this is what that I want to tell you. When you will become a doctor someday, always remember that you become a doctor because God wants you to become a doctor." I gave him a wee tap and thanking him that it's so nice of him to tell me that.

It gives me flashbacks when I started my nursing practice here in NZ, in Invercargill Emergency Department. Many times, I got asked by patients why don't I want to train becoming a doctor, with a very notable one from a mother who has a son who is a medical student in Otago. One time I discussed with the Critical Care Intensivist the current management the critical patient already had and discussed with her the labs done. At one point she asked, what else have you charted? I said, "Sorry, but I am the patient's nurse." By saying this, I also encountered being dealt rudely by some other doctors and even to newbie doctors who think that we are just "nurses" literally. They are the kind of doctors who only have a little idea what modern nursing is. They are the kind of doctors who don't listen to nurses and don't consult with nurses with their management. They are the kind of doctors who treat nurses as subordinates rather than colleagues. I also meet very wonderful and intellectually and clinically shrewd doctors. If I become a doctor someday, by God's grace, I will be the kindest doctor that I can be and of course, I will do all my best to use my mind and hands for the purpose of my existence and my profession.

Back to the point, every time I meet a doctor with a very good clinical eye or listen to some innocent questions from my patients, it made me smile. Becoming a doctor takes almost the entire blueprint that I designed for myself since I was very little. Due to lack of financial resources back home, going to medical school is like daydreaming.

I strived hard to be away from home because "my" home was not the usual definition of home.  Our place was rural but it wasn't a safe place. Indeed, no place is ever safe. Not even our own home which we think is the safest place on earth. It was a home of childhood pain, mental and psychological trauma from a sexual predator. I was dipped into a deep sea of guilt, depression and isolation and worked hard to fight against the waves that drove me away from my purpose. All my life since I can remember, I have been wanting to be away from that "home" where my childhood trauma of molestation and sexual abuse took place. I have been seeking for personal refuge and freedom anywhere in the world where I think there is a chance to celebrate life, and literally to live life. 

I am so glad God sailed me to the shores of New Zealand after an arduous chase. From taking IELTS, studying for a masters degree, volunteering RN jobs just to get experience to getting a paid one, teaching part time to sustain a living in a big metropolis, the thought of being away from my family, to processing my NZ registration papers and eventually coming here in New Zealand from my humble beginnings, tears set forth through my eyes. I couldn't believe I have gone this far. 

I believe that I am now in a place where there is a big energy that I will be able to connect with in the right time. I feel so happy, filled with content at the thought of the coming of that time.

I will be the happiest boy in the world.